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these are the pages i have torn out.

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(no subject) [Apr. 10th, 2011|07:53 pm]
these are the pages i have torn out.
got that melancholy sunday feeling. starting to give under the weight of realllly needing a better job. feeling that something is going to happen soon and also overwhelmed by that possiblility. treading the same water for so so long, desperate and waiting to move forward with life but sad and terrified of change.

i find myself making lists in my head of all the things i'm going to miss in austin. there are so so many. way too many.

list snippet:
house pizzeria
year round farmers market
austin beers
FRIENDS, really lovely friends
breakfast tacos
pecan harvest
sitting outside everywhere, all the time
east side biking
barton springs, hamilton pool, krause spring
hyde park
on and on and on and on

good news: excited to get married to my mate. bought a dress i love and so far no stress because no planning. homemade sausage varietals to compliment homemade beers. maybe missing austin summer. still no longer in school and still ecstatic that is the case.
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(no subject) [Sep. 15th, 2010|10:29 am]
these are the pages i have torn out.
lately i am not too happy with life (austin, school, myself), but trying to make the best. things i am looking forward to in the near and distant future, though not in that order:

long hair
the semester ending
below 90F weather
someone hiring me someday
arugula pizza
parents visiting
a new apartment
living somewhere with an autumn
new bike seat
having time to develop real hobbies

all things must pass. right?
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(no subject) [Jul. 17th, 2010|02:24 am]
these are the pages i have torn out.
re-reading last summer's dc posts.

this past month has been less exciting. more work, more school, less play. but the friends are closer, more of them and more love flowing. 4 weeks left and i know it isn't nearly enough.

last year when i left i lamented the loss of this city. this year, i miss austin. but i know i'll still be so sad to go. six months from now i'll be here or there or somewhere. or nowhere. SIX MONTHS.
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(no subject) [Jun. 16th, 2010|07:33 pm]
these are the pages i have torn out.
yesterday, my second day as an intern at the gallery, ended in tears. today i feel really good. useful, working hard, and so wowed by my surroundings.

every morning i walk through a maze of construction and plywood to a set of double doors that swing wide open automatically. i take a right through the long and empty book store, past the garden cafe and into the galleries. i say hello to my main man,
and pass through room after room of 20th century greats and then german masters, before slipping through a door in one of the back galleries, amazing tourists of all ages and origins.

my neighborhood is less than 20 blocks from the mall, and no one seems to have heard of it. it's perfect for walks.

the mosque a few blocks away sends out a call to prayer that echoes between the rowhouses several (4?) times a day. the first night, my only without air conditioning, i was woken before dawn pouring sweat and unbelievably confused. now i find comfort in the call's familiarity.

my house is nearly always empty. i dragged an old a/c unit up from the basement for use at night. i stick my head out the window and lie in bed to do my cataloging homework.

hello summer.
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(no subject) [Apr. 19th, 2010|01:55 pm]
these are the pages i have torn out.
today: meeting with someone about volunteering in the fine arts library

i arrive way early, as usual. crap. so i decide to sit just outside the library until a reasonable amount of time has passed. after about 5 minutes i see the woman i am meeting with walking up to the library. i have met her before, but i doubt she would recognize me. no matter. i panic, grab my bag, and do an about face into the restrooms. i stand there staring at myself in the mirror and then when the door opens i turn and say "oh hi." she looks at me, confused. i walk into one of the stalls. then immediately walk out and leave. plop down at a computer feeling like an idiot. oh good, she just walked by me and i made eye contact AGAIN on her way to the office. who says hi to a total stranger in a public restroom??

i can't wait to walk into her office so she can put together the fact that her new volunteer is the bathroom weirdo she keeps seeing everywhere.

i need a cookie.
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(no subject) [Apr. 1st, 2010|07:01 pm]
these are the pages i have torn out.
there was a draft entry waiting for me that said "after april 1 my life will get a whole lot better."

these past 2 weeks have been some of the strangest of my life, so busy and with so much stress, so much good and very much bad.

- last tuesday i got offered 3 jobs: a summer internship at the national gallery of art, a summer internship at the metropolitan museum of art and a job continuing at the austin archive where i work now. after 24 hours of indecision i chose the national gallery.
- this tuesday was my last day of work in austin.
- while at work i learned my grandmother was moving to hospice and would die within a few weeks.
- that evening i went to a happyhour only to realize it was the wrong day. i drank a frozen margarita alone at a table for 15.
- this morning i hosted an annual event that was forced upon me for singlehanded planning and has crowded my life for the past month. huge success.
- about an hour ago my grandmother died. my mother was visiting and is now alone in west virginia.

i... i am paralyzed. i want to go forward or back. this is not a good time.

(no subject) [Feb. 7th, 2010|10:09 pm]
these are the pages i have torn out.
1. watching my so called life makes me terrified of being a parent.

2. i recently had a nightmare in which i was pregnant.

3. both of these fears are made even more terrifying by their adult-ness.

4. i'm going to at least 4, up to 6, weddings in the next 6 months.

5. job searching/maybe moving in the next 12 months.

UGH. what is the point of growing up?? did i also mention how angsty mscl is making me? the more i think about the coming peak oil crisis and impending collapse of the world as we know it the more i want to move to a commune and grow things and sew things and read things. but i would really miss watching things.
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(no subject) [Jan. 19th, 2010|09:03 am]
these are the pages i have torn out.
first day of semester 4 of 5.

last night i dreamt that tina fey wanted me to move to new york (from DC) to run her vintage store. it seemed like a good career move.

two evening classes are going to steal away my favorite part of the day, dinner with josh.

for almost everyone i know, today feels like the beginning of the end. i feel stalemated. resigned. need to make some new friends or i'm going to be very lonely come fall.
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(no subject) [Dec. 16th, 2009|07:53 am]
these are the pages i have torn out.
home feels like floating.

it's nice to be away from everything. to pretend, for a while, that this is my life. just sleeping and waking up and doing things.

in the past 4 days i've managed to dismantle family photo albums for archival rehousing, go to the mall twice already with my mother, watch 5 episodes of gilmore girls, see seth and consider bike purchases, and read all of manhunt.

today i will begin my father's shopping and go to a house show where i am likely to know no one.

this is why i need two weeks. so i can be ready to go back.
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(no subject) [Dec. 14th, 2009|09:13 am]
these are the pages i have torn out.
2009: The Year in Questionnaire

1. What did you do in 2009 that you'd never done before?
lived in dc, loved dc, went to new orleans, experienced sxsw, locked my keys in my car

2. Did you keep your New Years' resolutions, and will you make more for next year?
Last year’s:
i don't think i made any. but this year i think i'll aim for losing wait and doing everything i can to get a great job after graduation. and loosening up a bit.

3. Where will you be to ring in New Year's 2008?
chicago. under unideal (inideal??) circumstances but surrounded by my favorite people.

4. Did anyone close to you give birth? not too close, but dustin and sofia! and i am already excited for the wertz-dina union.

5. What places did you visit?
charleston wv, nashville tn, washington dc, philadelphia pa, new orleans la, fredericksburg tx, san antonio tx, gadsden al

6. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 2009?
if i could nail down a real job before the end of 2010 that would be amazing.

7. What date from 2009 will remain etched upon your memory, and why?
the night i lost my phone in dc - epic

8. What was your biggest achievement of the year?
getting my current job and loading up on responsibility. also, making it through fall semester. having a great relationship. forgiveness.

9. What was your biggest failure?
my 3 lost months of last spring. lack of forgiveness.

10. Did you suffer illness or injury?
bruised tailbone. too much typing. sinus/ear infection during finals.

11. What was the best thing you bought?
brown boots and dc rent!!

12. Best thing you made?
i wrote a pretty sweet paper about how to prevent the degradation of blood in museum/library collections.

13. Whose behavior merited celebration?
my friends.

14. Whose behavior made you appalled and depressed?
not answering this.

15. Where did most of your money go?
food, tuition, rent.

16. What did you get really, really, really excited about?
sxsw, eating, seeing josh and deborah in dc, new years in chicago

17. What songs will always remind you of 2009?
so far around the bend - the national (really all of dark was the night)
use somebody - kings of leon

18. Compared to this time last year, are you:
i. happier or sadder? much much happier
ii. thinner or fatter? probably about the same, but i'm sure another 2 weeks at home during the holidays will change that

19. What do you wish you'd done more of?
exercising, non-school activities, making new friends, calling my grandmothers

20. What do you wish you'd done less of?
worrying, freaking out over school

21. How will you be spending Christmas?
with my parents in tennessee

22. Did you fall in love in 2009?
i did, actually. and allowing myself to do that was certainly my best decision of the year.

23. How many one-night stands?

24. What were your favorite TV programs?
dexter, 30rock, top chef

25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year?

26. What was the best book you read?
absalom, absalom

27. What was your greatest musical discovery?
girls, titus andronicus, wavves, holiday shores, dark was the night

28. What did you want and get?
a stronger love, a great summer.

29. What did you want and not get?
a good fall. new friends. NEW BIKE.

30. What was your favorite film of this year?
probably up? away we go was pretty great too. still haven't seen fantastic mr. fox, where the wild things are, the hurt locker or a serious man.

31. What did you do on your birthday, and how old were you?
i turned 24. josh and i got breakfast tacos followed by new orleans snowballs. the previous night i had a potluck party at a friend's house. pretty tame but fun. swelteringly hot.

32. What would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying?
not being crippled by stress this fall.

33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2009?
rediscovering clothing i already own. simple and old-fashioned.

34. What kept you sane?

35. What public figure did you fancy?
james franco.

37. Who did you miss?
caitlin, deborah, ian, preston, highschoolfriends, parents, grandparents

38. Who was the best new person you met?
all of james' and claire's friends were pretty great

39. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2009.
forgiveness isn't weakness. i can make it on my own.
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